Health warning: loneliness harms, but Positive-Feeding prevents lonely babies?

It’s said that the act of breastfeeding passes not only nutrition and protection to a baby, but also information about her or his new world. It’s important that parents are aware of the messages they’re sending their babies however they feed them. Recent posts on sites I visit have brought attention to the science of loneliness. They make sad reading.  One of the quotes was that “mothers matters, but mothering is in short supply.” Surely every mother wants the best for her child, but it’s often lack of confidence that prevents her from being the best mother she can be. Mothers need supporting to find pleasure and intimacy during any baby-feeding episode. Positive-feeding can help them do that.

When I hear of children who have been short-changed on mothering, I immediately think of that most vulnerable of groups, young white men in their 20s and 30s, who have the highest suicide rate these days – and they may be the offspring of the white working class young mothers who are the least likely to breastfeed. (We know that young men of whatever socio-economic background tend to have much less effective emotional networks than young women). We see excessive drinking, men (and women) walking around with cans and bottles in hand and at mouth – so my question is – are these the people who, as youngsters, had bottles propped up in prams or routinely were given a plastic dummy to substitute for a human cuddle? My thoughts move to the multitude of sleep problems that many adults have (night can be a very lonely time) and the  numbers of flats built for single occupancy that the demographers show are increasingly needed. We appear to be a generation of humans who have been trained to be independent – but at what cost! Surely we’re actually interdependent? Many other mammals  are: think of elephants, the big cats, wolves, primates. Many other non-Western cultures are too. We cannot exist alone.  Donald Winnicott said “there is no such thing as a baby – there is only a baby and other.” So why does our culture try to reduce contact with babies, just when they need it most?

And then, because I believe in breastfeeding, I’m aware of the generations of babies who have been formula fed particularly since the 1950s. Are we beginning to recognise the effects of decreasing amounts of physical contact and oxytocin release due to less breastfeeding?

However, it’s not just the formula feeding that may present a risk factor here: it’s the parenting style that can be associated with it and which some breastfeeders aspire to as well. Truby King, for example, a proponent of strict parenting routines  in the 1920s, encouraged breastfeeding – but within a schedule and without much emotion. (Four hourly feeds and the baby was to be held only for feeding and nappy changing then back to bed for the next four hours with no interference (my italics) from mother). We still hear of parenting styles that sound somewhat familiar to this day.

Nevertheless, breastfeeding mothers know that, unless they are actively told not to caress and gaze at their babies, they find themselves doing exactly that – stroking, talking, singing, rocking, making eye contact, laughing and playing with their babies either whilst breastfeeding or afterwards. And these are the building blocks of attachment being put into place, over and over, feed after feed, day after day and week after week. Calming hormones help the process. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett tells us that more stress raises cortisol levels which trigger inflammatory processes – leading to the likelihood of more illness. So the calmer, the better – which means the more contact the better (more oxytocin!). And of course bottle-using mothers can do, and indeed do,  just the same: feed their babies sensitively, with eye contact, lots of cuddles and respecting cues, with plenty of post-feed holding and attention. Pleasure is present, intimacy builds. This is Positive-Feeding. These babies feel valued and self-esteem is grown.

So should we be adding a new health warning to the ‘Tiredness kills’ (on motorways) and ‘Smoking kills’ list? that excessive independence training and separation too early in life, the outcomes not only of limited breastfeeding but also of arms-length parenting, can lead to damaging loneliness and ill-health?
But, most importantly, this sobering message needs balancing with the uplifting encouragement that if mothers and fathers practise Positive-Feeding, whether by breast or bottle, using breastmilk or formula, their babies have the strongest chance of forming attachments that keep loneliness at bay.