Beds, Babies – and things that go bump in the night?

Sleep is satisfying, sleep restores, sleep is sweet. Sleep is also variable – broken sometimes, deep at others. Parents often crave it, feeling desperate without it. Our culture places great emphasis on a good night’s sleep.

La Leche League’s book ‘Sweet Sleep’ refreshes our thinking on the topic of sleep and babies.  The eye-opening principle that’s promoted in the early chapters is that Bed Sharing Is Normal. Just as the debate has finally been accepted that breast isn’t best, it’s simply normal, and that by describing it as ‘best’ we erroneously make formula  the norm against which breast milk is measured – the experienced authors of ‘Sweet Sleep’ propose that anyone who opposes the normality of bed-sharing for young babies and children has to show that their separation option is not dangerous. Which they’re never asked to do because the notion of separating babies from their main carer at night is deeply ingrained – and accepted by and large – in western adult minds.

But do babies and young children find it acceptable to sleep apart from their main carer? It would seem not, given the multitude of sleep training and sleep advice books/sites on how to manage your baby’s ‘problem’. A solo crying baby does indeed have a problem, but not one of its own making: its parents are nowhere to be seen or sensed. A crying baby is protesting at being solitary. “There is no such thing as a baby, just a baby and someone”(D. Winnicott). The instinctive, right-brained, emotional being that is the human mammal in the first three years of its life is bereft of its steady and reliable compass, adrift – and that certainly sounds distressing to me – to be alone, unheld and powerless,  except for its voice.

As with all matters to do with childcare, bed-sharing has to be approached with risk awareness.  So ‘Sweet Sleep’ has come up with the memorable Safe Sleep Seven: you need to be a non-smoker, sober and breastfeeding; baby needs to be healthy and full term, kept on her back (when not breastfeeding), unswaddled; and both need to be on a safe surface. Premature babies can be included too, with their own special circumstances requiring Kangaroo Mother Care. Jill and Nils Bergman clearly and safely describe the elements of this on www.kangaroomothercare.com. It’s worth reminding ourselves that there really are many parts of the world where the notion of sleeping apart from your baby would be considered unacceptable and where co-sleeping and bed-sharing are normal practice – and practised safely. We can help parents feel positive about doing this by acknowledging how responsive they’re being to their babies’ needs at night as well as in the day, rather than asking them if they’ve had a good night’s sleep. The final bonus to be factored into bedtime thoughts is that a robust piece of research (Dorheim et al, 2009) has established that exclusively breastfeeding families get better quality and more sleep and mothers are at less risk of depression. We know that exclusive breastfeeding is protected by pretty frequent night nursing – which is in itself enhanced by bed-sharing. It makes so much sense!

So what might go ‘bump in the night’ when baby is near mum? It won’t be a baby falling out of its family bed if the sleep environment is safe; it won’t be the thud of feet on the floor as mother tumbles out to attend to a vocal infant in a cot somewhere else; it might be the small bump that comes as sleeping surfaces are pushed together so that everyone can get some rest at night. But the most likely is the gentle collision of two warm bodies - mother and baby – as they lightly bump together to nuzzle, cuddle and nurse. Now that vision relaxes me enough to have a really good night’s sleep:)